Envy is Old Gregg!
by LongliveA.Monk
Summary: Envy's REAL true form is revealed!
1. Chapter 1Envy's true form

ATTENTION: Before you read this story you MUST watch this first: .com/watch?v=ydr8a3UHUy4

Envy is Old Gregg?!

_Disclaimer- I don't won "The Mighty Boosh" or "Fullmetal Alchemist". This upsets me very much. _

Part 1-I'm Old Gregg!

It was a dark night. The moon was full, shining it's pale light on the city of Central. It was in this moonlit city where Edward Elric and Envy were fighting.

"Do you give up Chibi-san?" Envy smirked as he dogged one of Ed's punches.

"Never! AND STOP CALLING ME A CHIBI!" Ed attempted to kick Envy but he once again dodged.

"I'm kind of impressed Fullmetal Shorty; you saw through my disguise relatively quickly."

"It wasn't difficult; the REAL Winry hates anything too girly so when I saw 'her'" he used quotation marks with his fingers. "wearing a pink poufy dress I knew it couldn't be the real Winry."

"Ah."

Ed continued to throw punches and kicks. "You know, you're always pretending to be someone else. It makes me wonder what your true form looks like."

Envy froze and smirked once again. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah! I'm sick of your games! Show me your true form! Tell me who really you are!"

Envy moved away and transformed. Ed's mouth dropped open. He was completely unprepared for the sight before him.

Envy was wearing a black button up shirt, a silver sparkly coat, a white tie, white go-go boots, white gloves and a pink tutu. He shone as though his body was covered with water.

"Hi there." He said.

"Th….this is your true form?" Ed asked, still in shock. "Uhh, who…or rather what….exactly what are you?"

"I'm Old Gregg. Pleased ta meet cha."

"………..o…kay….."

"Now then, aren't we supposed to be fighting?" Quick as a flash, Envy pushed Ed up against a wall and put his arms on either side of the alchemist, trapping him.

"Fight?" he laughed nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You were trying ta punch me, fool."

"No I wasn't."

"I've got a bruise in my side from your automail motha' licka'!

"Don't kill me," Ed pleaded. "I've got so much to give."

"Easy now fuzzy little man peach; hmm?" He then randomly said. "You ever drunk Baileys from a shoe?"

Ed blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Wanna come to a club where people wee on each other?"

"…...no?"

"I'm gonna hurt you."

"S'cuse me?"

"I like you. What do you think of me?"

"….I don't rightly know sir…"

"Make an assessment."

"….I think you're a nice….m…modern gentlemen."

"Don't lie to me boy."

"I'm not lying."

"I know what you're thinkin'. "Here comes Old Gregg, he's a scaly man-fish." You don't know me, you don't know what I got. I got something ta show ya." He backed away and lifted up his tutu. Ed quickly noticed that he wasn't wearing underwear. A bright blinding light emitted from his…

"You know what that is?" Envy said "That's Old Gregg's vagina! I got a mangina!"

"A ha! I KNEW there was a reason you wore that skirt….skort…thing." Ed started to feel faint. As he lost consciousness the last thing he heard was,

"I'M OLD GREEEEEEEGG! Greeeeeeegg….gregg"

Meanwhile, back in military headquarters. 

Alphonse Elric ran down the hallways as fast as he could. He finally stopped at Colonel Mustang's office and burst in.

"Colonel!"

"What is it Al?"

"Nii-san's been gone for a long time. I think something's happened to him!"

"Calm down Al, calm down. Now, where did you last see him?"

"He said he was going to take a walk down Black Lake Alley."

"Black Lake Alley?!" The soldiers in Mustang's team appeared in the doorway.

"Why didn't you stop him?!" Havoc said. "One should never go down Black lake Alley when the moon is full."

"Why?"

"Because something evil lives down there," said Fuery. "An evil called…..Old Gregg."

"Who?"

"Old Gregg. They say only appears when the moon is full." Said Farman.

"They say he's a devilish being who lures young men into his lair and makes them his slaves." Breda said.

"Oh no!" Al said worriedly. "Nii-san!"

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

**Cue heroic change-of-scene music!**

Black Lake Alley was completely empty.

"We're too late!" Al cried.

"Hold on…Breda, bring that lamp over here." Roy looked at the ground. "Footsteps! These look like Ed's; I'd know that tiny foot print anywhere. This way!"

The team quickly ran in the direction of the footsteps…

To be continued!


	2. Chapter 2 Gregg's place

I took out the part about "the funk" because I didn't think it would fit with the story.

_Disclaimer- I still don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or The Mighty Boosh. I'm still upset. _

Envy is Old Gregg?! Part 2: Gregg's place.

Ed blinked his eyes open and groaned. He looked around. He was lying down in a strange looking cave.

"What's happened?" he asked out loud.

"I'm Old Gregg." He heard from behind him. He spun around. Envy's (or rather, old Gregg's) head popped around a corner of the cave wall then quickly disappeared.

"What?"

"I'm Old Gregg!" Envy appeared in a hole in the wall then disappeared again.

Ed sat up. "Where am I?"

Envy appeared around another corner. "Gregg's place."

Ed stood up.

"Y…you've been asleep." Said Envy. "You want a little drinky? I'll get ya a drink." He jumped out of the hole in the wall and into a pond of water. He reappeared at a bar behind Ed, holding a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream and a wine glass. "D'ya like Baileys?" He poured the drink. "Mmmm, creamy. Soft, creamy beige." He handed the glass to Ed.

Ed reluctantly took a drink, wondering why there was a bar in a cave.

"Ahh, delicious." He said, though his face said other wise.

"D'ya like Old Gregg's place? I've got all things that are good."

"You've … done some nice things with it."

"I've got this. " He picked up a red bowling ball. "This is good."

"That's nice." Ed replied unenthusiastically.

"You can have it." He tried to hand it to Ed.

"I'm fine thanks."

"I'll keep it here for you." He put it back down and gave it a pat.

"Well, is this the way... out?" Ed pointed with his thumb to a large hole in the cave. "Ummm, I better be …scootin'."

Envy cocked his head in confusion.

"Got meetings and a friend of mine is waiting, so perhaps I should be..."

"Why are you going? We got everything we need here. We got Bailey's... creamy." He chuckled a bit. "And everything we need. I'll get you another Bailey's."

"I'm fine, thanks."

"I do watercolors."

"Do you?" he replied, once again unenthusiastically.

"Let me show you something." Envy scurried back to the bar and pulled up a sheets of paper, which he showed to his confused captive. It was a picture of himself. "I call that one Old Gregg." He ran over to the bar and held up another picture of himself. "And then that one I call Old Gregg." He repeated the actions before. "And this one, you know what I call that one?"

Ed shook his head, already knowing the answer. "Old Gregg?"

"Yes sir, thank you sir." Envy pulled up two more sheets of paper. "I got some more. I got these 2." The first picture was a bottle of Baileys. "That one's Bailey's." The second picture was also a bottle of Baileys, only larger. "That one's Bailey's a bit bigger." He held up a third sheet of beige paper, which was blank. "And that one's as close as you can get to Bailey's without your eyes getting wet."

"Mmm, that is quite a portfolio you've got going on there. But I really should be heading up, so… it's been good." Ed started to walk away.

"We could do some watercolors together. " Envy climbed up onto the bar. "You and I."

Ed continued to walk and didn't look back. "Well, that sounds like great fun. Let's do it in the week then… Gregg." Ed was pretty sure Envy wanted to be called Gregg, having said his own name about 5 times.

"What do you mean?" Envy reached a hole in the wall that he could stand in.

"Well, you free Thursday at all?"

"Why can't we do it now?"

"Well, you know I'm a busy man Gregg. You know, I got things to do. Edward Elric, man about town." He laughed awkwardly, hoping Envy wouldn't try to prevent him any longer from leaving.

"Do you love me?" Envy said out of nowhere.

Ed froze. "Oh dear."

"Do you love me?"

"Umm, …gonna have to pretend I didn't hear that Gregg."

"You think you could ever love me?"

"Uh, it doesn't really work like that, Gregg."

"How does it work?" Envy smiled. "Tell me how it works."

Ed turned around to face him. "Well, you get to know someone, you hang out, you… see where that goes. This, that, the other, eventually…you know. I don't know you!"

"You know me. Hmm? What about the alley times?"

Ed flinched. "That… wasn't really a time, was it Gregg? That was more of just a... an exposure."

"That was our first date. Hmm? You tried to catch me…with your strong arms!

"Oh dear; look Greg, I don't know you!"

"Oh, you know me. You've seen my downstairs mix-up."

Ed's eye twitched and he flinched again. "Yeah, I didn't ask to see that, did I?" He turned around and once again tried to escape.

"What it did mean for you to see that?" Envy appeared at his side. Ed turned to face him again. "Did it mean you loved me?"

"No, it didn't!"

"Could you learn to love me?" Envy asked almost pleadingly.

"No! I couldn't! I don't love you!"

"You do love me."

"No, I don't!"

"You do love me."

"No, I don't." Ed said firmly. He was getting quite annoyed.

"You love me and you've seen me and you know me. I'm Old Gregg!"

"Yeah, I know you are. You've told me 89 times now."

"You must love me exactly as I love you." Envy had a manic smile on his face.

"Well, I don't love you and to be honest you're starting to get on my nerves a bit now. If anything I find you slightly pathetic, so deal with that!"

"Maybe I will deal with it. Hmm? "Maybe I'll deal with it the way I dealt with Curly Jefferson!"

He looked up and pointed to the direction he was looking. Ed looked to where he was pointing. There was the corpse of a man nailed to the ceiling.

"Oh shit!" thought Ed. "Well, I guess there's only one thing to do…"

"You know what Gregg?" he said. "Maybe I was being a bit hasty there, uh, when I said I didn't love you. Perhaps now in this light with you in the tutu and the water playing off your... green hair. Maybe I could love you. Maybe I was lying because when you do love someone sometimes you say you don't because you're playing hard to get, playing a game."

"Games?" Envy cocked his head.

"Yeah, I was just playing a game with you."

"Love games?"

"That's right, love games, Gregg."

All of a sudden funky music started playing. Ed looked around. "What in the world…?"

Envy jumped down from his perch. "Love games?" He started to dance around Ed. Suddenly, a lighted sign turned on near the bar and a disco ball descended.

"I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming." Ed thought. "This is all a bad dream. I'm going to wake up any minute now. I am dreaming…"

Envy began to sing:

"_Do you love me?_

_Are you playing your love games with me?_

_I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now._

_Do you love me?_

_Are you playing your love games with me?_

_I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now."_

Ed began to feel strange. The music was over powering him. "What's happening?" He took another look at Envy. "He really isn't that bad of a guy. Not bad looking either…" He began to dance with Envy and sing in a high-pitched voice as though he were a member of the Beejees.

"_Moving too fast, this isn't a race._

_Mmmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now._

_Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm._

_Moving too fast, this isn't a race."_

The two continued to dance as he funky music played on.

**Meanwhile**

Mustang's team had followed the tracks all the way to a cave.

"Why is there a cave in the middle of a city?" Fuery wondered allowed.

"I don't know." Replied Havoc. "But this may be one of the many questions that cannot be answered. Like why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?"

Fuery nodded. "Good point."

"He must be in there." Roy said. "Come on, let's do this!" The team burst in. There were several paths to take. Mustang assigned everyone to a different path. Roy walked through his tunnel calling Ed's name. He didn't know how much time passed until he heard music coming fro the distance. He ran in the direction of it. The music began louder and louder. Roy froze when he reached the end of the hall. There was Ed and the homunculus Envy in a very strange outfit, dancing while music played.

"Uhhhhh, Ed?"

The two stopped dancing and the music stopped as well. "Colonel!" Ed said in a surprised tone. "Wha…what are you dong here?!"

"…..rescuing you….I think…."

"Oh. Well uh, actually there's no need for that. I kind of like it here. No…I love it here!"

Roy looked at him closely. He had seen people who were hypnotized and Ed looked completely fine. He was serious. "….Ok then, if you're sure."

"Don't worry Colonel," Envy said, grinning and putting his arms around Ed's waist "I'll send him home in an hour or two."

"But I'll be visiting him from time to time." Ed said, putting his arms around Envy's shoulders.

"Well have fun. Bye." Roy left, not wanting to know exactly what was going on.

He found his way back to the cave entrance and saw the members of his team and Alphonse.

"We couldn't find him colonel." Breda said sadly.

"Don't worry, I did." Said Roy.

"You did?!" Al said frantically. "Why isn't he with you?! Is he ok?!"

"Oh he's fine," Roy said. "He'll be back soon. He just having a bit of …fun right now."

"What? What do you mean Colonel? What did you see?"

Roy sighed and put his arm around Al's shoulder as they walked back to military headquarters. "Al, let me tell you something about love and how confusing it can be…"

Back in the cave the funky music started again and the two continued to dance.

Envy sang:

"_Do you love me?"_

_Are you playing your love games with me?_

_I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now."_

Ed sang once again:

"_Moving too fast, this isn't a race."_

_Mmmm baby, back off, and lower the pace now._

_Slow it down and give me some space, mmmmm._

_Moving too fast, this isn't a race."_

Envy:

"_I'm Old Gregg!"_

Ed:

"_I know, I think you saaaaid."_

Envy:

"_Come on, don't make me beg now._

_'Cause I'm not your reg…ular guy!"_

They sang together and ended the song in a hug.

"_Don't be shy! Do you love me?"_


End file.
